i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
