I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
