dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
