I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
