thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
