you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
