Already got asked if we're dating
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Randomize
