Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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