i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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