Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
