I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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