i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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