She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
