Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
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