Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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