You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
