even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
