can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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