Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
