He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
