Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
