What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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