This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
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