There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
