I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
