Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
