i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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