so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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