I wish I could teleport
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
