I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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