Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
