some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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