Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Randomize
