I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
