Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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