I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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