I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Randomize
