Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
wow bdsm is so cute
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
