life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
