it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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