I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
