Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
