I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
