I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
