were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
