Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
