Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
