I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
