she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
