also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I look excited, but its just a facade.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
